Never Get Drunk With A Crazy Serbian
by Roxius
Summary: Patrick McReary learns in a rather odd way that sometimes getting drunk with Niko Bellic is not always such a good idea. Niko Bellic X Patrick McReary. Shounen ai, yaoi, gay. Please R & R!


Disclaimer: I do not own the Grand Theft Auto series.

A/N: God, this was really hard to write without feeling like a total faggot...

* * *

"D-Daaaamn, man...that was some GOOD fuckin' shit," Patrick McReary hiccuped as he and Niko Bellic staggered out of the bar, drunk out of their minds. It was already late at night, and yet traffic was still as heavy as ever out on the streets. The polluted city air stank of gasoline, cigarette smoke, and semen all mixed into one disgusting odor. Everything around Niko seemed to be distorting to the point that it barely even made sense anymore. Packie chuckled lightly under his breath before collapsing backwards onto the sidewalk pavement. Niko was attempting to keep himself steady, but he eventually gave way and crashed down right beside Packie. The two men were facing towards each other, the tips of their noses barely an inch from touching.

"You know...you know, Niko...despite bein' some punk-ass Russian bitch from Russia, motherfucker, you're alright...you ain't such a bad guy...not a bad guy at all...I like ya...alot!! A whole FUCKIN' lot!!!" Packie slurred drunkenly.

Niko smirked. "Oh, reaaaally...? I bet ya say that about alot of people, Packie boy...men, women, children, dogs...cardboard pictures...yeaaah..."

"Yeah, maybe...yeah...but...but hell, if you were a woman, and even if you were 20 years older than me, had AIDs, and looked just as ugly as a woman as you do as a man, I'd...I'd still ask for your fuckin' hand in fuckin' marriage, y'know? Of course, I'd never be able to keep my wedding vows, but...but I'd marry ya! Just for the fuckin' hell of it! We'd fuck all night long, I tell ya! All night long, goddammit!!!" Wrapping his right hand into a fist, Packie waved his arm around almost furiously in the air, as if he had just made some sort of amazing proclamation. Niko giggled.

"Why do I have to be a woman? I'm sure...we can move to a place where they allow...same-sex marriage..." Niko replied, placing a dirt-caked hand upon Packie's chest. Several passerby tossed the pair strange looks, but they were both too drunk to even notice or care. In response to Niko's question, Packie just shrugged.

"Don't wanna move...too much trouble...ma would worry...she's a pain in the fuckin' ass sometimes, and a bit of a bitch, but she's still my ma, y'know? Raised me from teh day I was born! Probably the only one in 'tis family that actually cares 'bout me, y'know? The rest of 'em...fuck 'em all to hell! Fuck 'em!!"

"I know, Packie, I know...but wouldn't it be nice, just you and me...a child...a family..." Niko ran his hand up and down along Packie's chest, feeling the muscles hidden underneath the dark-green shirt. Packie didn't seem to mind as he continued to stare up at the starry sky overhead. There was a glossy look in his eyes; he was probably beginning to sober up a bit.

"Yeah..." Packie nodded, "I guess that...that would be nice...ma's been telling me to hurry up and start a family of me own...she's always wanted to be a grandmother..."

Niko brought his face even closer to Packie's, his hot, alcohol-reeking breath brushing ever so slightly against the young Irish man's reddened cheeks. Several college girls across the street were watching the two of them with great intensity, their cellphones out to make sure they captured a snapshot for when the men kissed. Niko licked his lips seductively.

"Then let's do it, Packie...let's be together...forever...we can take your ma with us...she'll babysit our son while we're at work...and make sure he doesn't ever go into our bedroom...ever...whadda ya say, Packie...does it sound like paradise to you?" Niko purred; never before had his Eastern European accent been such a turn-on.

Packie smiled with genuine sincerity. "Yes...I want that, Niko...I don't care about nothin' but you and me no more...I need you in my life, Niko Bellic!!!! I WANT YOU TO BE MAI WAIFU!!!!!"

After saying that poor bit of engrish, Packie pulled himself and Niko to their feet, and then passionately smashed his lips against the Serbian man's mouth. The college girls let out shrieks of joy as they quickly snapped as many photos as they could of the kiss before running off. A police officer caught sight of this make-out scene taking place right in front of him and flew backwards as a burst of blood spewed from his nostrils.

"I love you, Niko Bellic...foreign piece of shit..."

"I...I love you, too...Patrick McReary...fuckin' asshole..."

They kissed again, and the police didn't even try to stop them...at least not until they began stripping in public...

* * *

_The next morning..._

Rays of sunlight were shining in through the windows of Patrick McReary's room when the Irish man finally awoke from his slumber. Sitting up in bed, he let out a loud yawn, and scratched his armpit. For some reason, he was completely naked, and there was an odd scent lingering in the air. He also felt rather happy, like as if some giant weight had been recently lifted off of his shoulders.

'Huh...what did I do last night? Last thing I remember was going to the bar with Niko...meh, probably nothing too big...'

Yawning again, Patrick glanced to the right of the bed...and saw Niko Bellic sleeping peacefully beside him. He actually looked sort of beautiful this early in the morning. A second later, Patrick finally recalled everything that had happened.

Patrick's face fell. 'AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...FUCK!!!!'


End file.
